literally Bravotv, you are going to make my head explode

Bravo picked up a new reality series called "American Artist" which will be in the style of ProjRungay where contestants have to produce a painting, sculpture, etc to be judged by a panel. Sarah Jessica Parker will be hosting and/or producing. I AM GOING TO VOMIT BLOOD EVERYWHERE! THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS PREMISE! Here, I will make you a handy list in ascending order of criminality:

1. SARAH JESSICA PARKER IS NO TIM GUNN and has NO art leverage. She went to school for design and had a perm. She has line at Steve & Barrys which manages to be condescending to the customer AND hideous! Her hook nose self was fortunate enough to land a role where her wardrobe was dictated by someone with actual talent.Nice resume.

2. Project Runway has, unfortunately, secured a trend-crazed audience who knows very little about actual fashion or actual design. So now, everyone who can pair a shirt with a pair of pants thinks they have the talent to be a designer. Art is even more of a vicious world where a smaller percent of actually talented individuals receive any credit. Just because you can write your name this does not make you an aspiring artist. I see enough of these doodling assfaces IRL anyways I don't need this show to bring more out of the wood work. You know, the ones who bring their sketch book to bars, to do 'portraits' of women. Cause you know, dudes that can pencil in your visage as seen through the downs-syndrome photo shop filter are worldly and you should be so lucky to bed them. (If you would like to see actual working artists who actually do shit on tv, pls see vicetv: art talk)

3. I am EXTREMELY skeptical that these contestants can create anything of merit on the spot. Why? because art is generally starts as a feeling, a response, and provokes the same. I would call what these contestants produce 'visual representations' and not art because to have 30minutes to concept and map out then however long, 12hours probably, to produce is not enough time. Even on P.R. they have behind the scenes help, sure the contestants look like they are doing all their own sewing and patterning and steaming and finishing, but again. 12 hours from concept to product. Are they going to have someone prime the canvases? make a base wire structure for the sculpting, pre-mix all the guache into the desired colors?
And then to have it judged by a limited panel and all of middle america? That is an accident waiting to happen. Who in the art-sphere would actually BE on the judging panel? My high school art teacher? Bob Ross? Not even Bravo has a big enough budget to get anyone worthwhile on that panel at least anyone who ever wanted to work again. Because art is subjective, everything can be construed as art as long as it retains concept and follow through. Example: Was Vito Acconci masturbating under a false floor while fantasizing through a loudspeaker about those walking above him art? Yes. The viewers of the tv show will get themselves in a rabid fervor decrying that this is art and this isn't art and this is but this isn't. So even, if by some fluke, a genuinely talented individual is on this program their portfolio will get torn to shreds. Though, given Bravo's producers 5 season history of accepting just-forward enough as to seem creative to the midwest singles that are the shows primary audience, but not forward enough as to actually do anything lasting, I don't think that will be a problem on 'American Artist'.

This entire premise trivializes, in the public's eye, the work of actual artists and designers. The contestants are immature in talent and mentality and that is how the viewers 'see' any artist or designer. Art/Design is not a made for tv drama it is hard work that deserves a little more respect than a horse face show host and a prime 1 hour time slot. What will be the next show premise? Next American Industrial Designer? Where the applicants feel that because they have sat in a chair and have rode in a car that they are qualified to design the two?

And to think I woke up feeling like maybe I wasn't going to drink today...

up-fucking-date re: the hellish mess that is proj runway

ARE YOU KIDDING ME! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I am watching this shit-show right now. main take aways:

Table linen = table cloth, Jerry; don't try and put a pig in a prom dress with your phrasing. Not even the most eloquent of prose will make your god awful raincoat-and-latex-glove american-psycho-morton-salt-girl-get-up tolerable. Oh wait, you got eliminated. There is a god.

Stella, you took cheap garbage bags and made something closer to your personal aesthetic, which happens to look exactly like cheap garbage bags. You got saved, you better watch your Jersey cawing possibly black tar heroin addled self.

Girls with dyed black hair and nerd-girl-prob-clear-frame-glasses' numbers 1,2,3,4,... you are neither interesting nor forward thinking. I don't even want to shame Flavor of Love alum's 'Thing 1 & Thing 2" by giving you that nondescript, patronizing moniker. Though, I may at a later date.

Blayne, girlicious spewing long lost triplet to the Chip & Pepper twins, your romper looks like the Abdominal snowman got stuck in the front crotch region. M Kors says 'It's not cute'

Kelli ends up winning with a still yawn-worthy ensemble. If you put that much time into dyeing vacuum cleaner bags and burning coffee filters please try and make something not so played out. Burberry Prorsum meets Karen Walker painterly acid wash much?

I want to vomit//read soon on the news that all of these people were shipped off to Easter Island to 'Lord of the Flies' all over each other.

Phrases to look forward to from future episodes, none from contestants, all from judges/Tim:
"hey slutty slutty" M.Kors
"it looks like a gay pterodactyl from jurrasic park" Tim
"this looks like a school project" Heidi

Summary of this entire season best stated by M Kors and Heidi during judging: "It's a yawn", "I am not impressed" for fucking real