kenley makes me want to vomit

how the fuck are you going to argue with LLcoolJ about what is and is not hip hop?! i am so glad she is getting ripped a new asshole behind her back right now. fashion schadenfreude on p.runway right now takes it to the top. after hearing that lindsay lohan is a guest judge on the upcoming lifetime network proj runway and that some other hills skank face is getting a tv show for nothing (fun fact: the hills one with fake tits, whitney, and possibly that other one, were told at san fran art institute that if they wanted to be famous designers the needed to move to LA. ie: you are unskilled at design so try your hand at parlaying your vapid lives into cash. congrats), this short 15minutes of reason is trying it's best to put things right. look for a regular post this weekend.

like a truck driver goin to church

how on earth, has bravo gone from the bane of my existence to the apple of my eye in a scant few weeks? oh with the rachel zoe show, dastardly villians of proj rungay, and new season of top design with special guests from PROJECT RUNWAY! it's like a fictitious reality design-gasm.

firstly, re: rachel zoe: lovable genius. lovable because her earnestness is genuinely believable. genius because this mico-series, following her and her associate and assistant, shows that she is a real live person and not a harbinger of the apocalypse. also, girl knows her shit. and! invents hilarious and steal-able slang every episode. example: witch vibe. i am using that. now.

secondly, re: top design, how do you confuse blade runner and blades of glory? one is post apocalyptic L.A. the other, shitty will ferrel movie. fat georgia dude and Wisit, the song bird he is, had to design a window display for Jeffery Sebelia. J.S. , sportin an epic 'stach, rightly hates the pink and yellow twee puke fest that the contestants constructed to sit with his sleek modern jacket and knife-ish pant outfit.

maybe i am relaxing taking these shows to be the frivolity and fun that they are; maybe i have a lot of free time; maybe its nice to hear illuminated industry professionals rip minor assholes into the people that you feel need to hear it most, but on any given night there is something cattily current on channel 53. someone tells me that a tv show about hair on this station is equally venomous and a good cathartic hour of visuals.

post script:
OH MY GOD JOHNATHAN ADLER'S FACE DURING THE ELIMINATION OF TOP DESIGN! it is like he smelled a fart at a funeral; he doesn't know if its cool to call someone out on it on account of the over-arching stench of death.

rungay

Jezebel is giving the rundown of last nights eposiode of rungay. Tracie is on the proj run beat for the site and her comments are exceptionally excellent, as always. regarding my new most-hated character ever, Kenley,"...what Kenley needs is a heaping spoonful of shut the fuck up. She is so argumentative on the runway, it's embarrassing. Because it's ultimately disrespectful!". Jez has all of the pictures of the outfits up in the post, which is worth checking out. Kenley got in an argument with the judging panel, interrupting them and raising her voice, like always and stated the gem that she 'doesn't look at collections' therefore doesn't believe-seriously, she was not accepting that her outfit was unoriginal, even when M.Kors listed the designers that each piece she made was knocking off-that her vile outfit was knocking off things that had been done before. Just because you don't deign to look at it doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that someone, or EVERYONE, has done it better and before you. The most galling thing about last night's episode was not Kenley's head up her ass, Suede talking about Suede, or even Michael Kors saying that Suede is not established enough to even THINK about referring to himself in the third person. It was that, all of these yo-yos cry and whine that no one understands their 'vision' or 'taste' (what, that neither exist?) in other challenges, but when they are given the carte blanche of creating a true avant garde outfit no one brings it. shameful shameful.

literally Bravotv, you are going to make my head explode

Bravo picked up a new reality series called "American Artist" which will be in the style of ProjRungay where contestants have to produce a painting, sculpture, etc to be judged by a panel. Sarah Jessica Parker will be hosting and/or producing. I AM GOING TO VOMIT BLOOD EVERYWHERE! THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS PREMISE! Here, I will make you a handy list in ascending order of criminality:

1. SARAH JESSICA PARKER IS NO TIM GUNN and has NO art leverage. She went to school for design and had a perm. She has line at Steve & Barrys which manages to be condescending to the customer AND hideous! Her hook nose self was fortunate enough to land a role where her wardrobe was dictated by someone with actual talent.Nice resume.

2. Project Runway has, unfortunately, secured a trend-crazed audience who knows very little about actual fashion or actual design. So now, everyone who can pair a shirt with a pair of pants thinks they have the talent to be a designer. Art is even more of a vicious world where a smaller percent of actually talented individuals receive any credit. Just because you can write your name this does not make you an aspiring artist. I see enough of these doodling assfaces IRL anyways I don't need this show to bring more out of the wood work. You know, the ones who bring their sketch book to bars, to do 'portraits' of women. Cause you know, dudes that can pencil in your visage as seen through the downs-syndrome photo shop filter are worldly and you should be so lucky to bed them. (If you would like to see actual working artists who actually do shit on tv, pls see vicetv: art talk)

3. I am EXTREMELY skeptical that these contestants can create anything of merit on the spot. Why? because art is generally starts as a feeling, a response, and provokes the same. I would call what these contestants produce 'visual representations' and not art because to have 30minutes to concept and map out then however long, 12hours probably, to produce is not enough time. Even on P.R. they have behind the scenes help, sure the contestants look like they are doing all their own sewing and patterning and steaming and finishing, but again. 12 hours from concept to product. Are they going to have someone prime the canvases? make a base wire structure for the sculpting, pre-mix all the guache into the desired colors?
And then to have it judged by a limited panel and all of middle america? That is an accident waiting to happen. Who in the art-sphere would actually BE on the judging panel? My high school art teacher? Bob Ross? Not even Bravo has a big enough budget to get anyone worthwhile on that panel at least anyone who ever wanted to work again. Because art is subjective, everything can be construed as art as long as it retains concept and follow through. Example: Was Vito Acconci masturbating under a false floor while fantasizing through a loudspeaker about those walking above him art? Yes. The viewers of the tv show will get themselves in a rabid fervor decrying that this is art and this isn't art and this is but this isn't. So even, if by some fluke, a genuinely talented individual is on this program their portfolio will get torn to shreds. Though, given Bravo's producers 5 season history of accepting just-forward enough as to seem creative to the midwest singles that are the shows primary audience, but not forward enough as to actually do anything lasting, I don't think that will be a problem on 'American Artist'.

This entire premise trivializes, in the public's eye, the work of actual artists and designers. The contestants are immature in talent and mentality and that is how the viewers 'see' any artist or designer. Art/Design is not a made for tv drama it is hard work that deserves a little more respect than a horse face show host and a prime 1 hour time slot. What will be the next show premise? Next American Industrial Designer? Where the applicants feel that because they have sat in a chair and have rode in a car that they are qualified to design the two?

And to think I woke up feeling like maybe I wasn't going to drink today...

up-fucking-date re: the hellish mess that is proj runway

ARE YOU KIDDING ME! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I am watching this shit-show right now. main take aways:

Table linen = table cloth, Jerry; don't try and put a pig in a prom dress with your phrasing. Not even the most eloquent of prose will make your god awful raincoat-and-latex-glove american-psycho-morton-salt-girl-get-up tolerable. Oh wait, you got eliminated. There is a god.

Stella, you took cheap garbage bags and made something closer to your personal aesthetic, which happens to look exactly like cheap garbage bags. You got saved, you better watch your Jersey cawing possibly black tar heroin addled self.

Girls with dyed black hair and nerd-girl-prob-clear-frame-glasses' numbers 1,2,3,4,... you are neither interesting nor forward thinking. I don't even want to shame Flavor of Love alum's 'Thing 1 & Thing 2" by giving you that nondescript, patronizing moniker. Though, I may at a later date.

Blayne, girlicious spewing long lost triplet to the Chip & Pepper twins, your romper looks like the Abdominal snowman got stuck in the front crotch region. M Kors says 'It's not cute'

Kelli ends up winning with a still yawn-worthy ensemble. If you put that much time into dyeing vacuum cleaner bags and burning coffee filters please try and make something not so played out. Burberry Prorsum meets Karen Walker painterly acid wash much?

I want to vomit//read soon on the news that all of these people were shipped off to Easter Island to 'Lord of the Flies' all over each other.

Phrases to look forward to from future episodes, none from contestants, all from judges/Tim:
"hey slutty slutty" M.Kors
"it looks like a gay pterodactyl from jurrasic park" Tim
"this looks like a school project" Heidi

Summary of this entire season best stated by M Kors and Heidi during judging: "It's a yawn", "I am not impressed" for fucking real

first, a non sequitur

Poppy King,made up and make up lady, muses on the Joker's lipstick choices: Jack Nicholson was "the power woman's Joker. He way overdoes the lip liner—very eighties." And the latest iteration? "Heath is the post-post-feminist's Joker. He is so deconstructionist with his red lipstick, it almost comes right back around to the Renaissance!" (via jezbel via style)


Now for some meat, the new season of proj-rungay started last night and I missed it. Not on purpose, but because (1) I was doing something that the contestants are largely unfamiliar with: work and (2) the tee-vee didn't tell me about it. There have been speculations that since this is the last season before P.R.lame moves to Lifetime (yes, orphan kidnap plucky heroine daytime drama-rama station), Bravo is not nagging the viewers to watch the latest season. Which, I don't blame them. It is not as though the contestants get better with the show's age, they just blur the line between fashion designers and 'people who think they work in fashion but are really just on the Real World'. Also, uncle nag-bag stated last night that "you guys are a bunch of slackers" regarding the contestants desperate grabbing for table clothes from the choices made in the heres-75$-make-some-atrocious-nonsense-outfit-from-things-found-in-the-grocery-store. I am half saddened I missed the premiere episode now, especially since there are characters named "blayne" and "suede" ; all given names I'm sure. Why do I watch this show despite it making me scream at the television when someone half-assedly sets in a sleeve or portrays their 'conceptual' side with frayed chiffon? because it is a guaranteed 15 car pile-up every episode. Not to get all fashion high-and-mighty(but kind of) actual fashion work not like television. Not even a little. It is oft grimey, underpaid, unglamourous, sweaty, and full of too much or too little food. It is a lot of running around to make someone else look good and, sorry dear contestant, but you, like everyone else who thinks they are going to be the next Marc Jacobs or Cristobal B., have to put in your time. get in or get out; preferably the latter.

the train wreck that is project run-gay rant

so i gave instant message commentary on last nights episode of project runway (which only served to infuriate me) where the contestants had to take 'out' trends and make them faaaaaaabuuuulloouuussssss. such trends as: overalls, leggings, neon, poodle skirts, and 70s flare. all of which the contestants were embarrassedly sporting. the winning outfits were facemilies of 20$ rags i saw two days ago at a suburban forever 21. the losing outfits more closely resembled to couches off of a bad telemundo version of Dynasty.
everything was all set in sleeves and straight grain shifts. the techniques are remedial and the concepts are tired, but i can't fully hate on the cast because they are so pitiful; they got excited to work with horse face herself on a line for steve and barrys. not exactly a career move to catapault you into the fashion stratosphere.
the show is nothing but bad news; you go on under the guise of showing your *~taLeNtS!>!~* to the WORLD on the TEE-VEE, but really you come off as a slyly-edited caricature of yourself and are better known by the fights you are in or the flops you send down on your elderly models every week. you earn nicknames such as: big gay party monster, smurfette, or tiny cut-rate paris hilton with hideously out-moded scene mullet and brain dead fall out boy lovin' alterna girl side-kick, or that-imbalanced-bitch.
the only lucky ones are the people who are eliminated right off the bat because you won't be recognized on the street as that guy who can't sew a slip dress or make a button down shirt or continually wears s&m inspired hats or got drunk that one time and fell off a subway platform; losing allows you to still have a chance at defining yourself by your talents and not by editor approved sound-bites.

TGI-never

I've been ruminating on whether I like being bored to death or overwhelmingly busy and riddled with anxiety. Truthfully, I like neither, but if I had to choose it would be a happy medium of bein (and gettin!) busy and maxin and relaxin. Waking-up, throwing some layers on that smell clean enough, braving the day, then going to bed exhausted can be as satisfying as waking up, rolling over, and watching some jolly, visually interchangeable women cook couscous, marion berry cobbler, and chicken with forty cloves while never leaving the comfort of your underwear/bed/living room floor. I live fast 'n die young...or something. Really, I am just grasping for some sentences so I could post these images from winter07 acne. Also, last nights proj runway, wtf are you kidding me? Since when do people with careers or careers in failure want to be on a reality show that has been proven to further ruin lives? I guess Heidi Klum said it best when asked what's in store for this season; "same shit. different people". word. guten-tag girl.